wtf is happening to my life

5:30am (2.11.11)  , my nan just called. that infection?

ugh i cant even think right now. my mom nudged me awake a half hour ago saying that if 'this maybe it, nan wants us to come to the hospital' i just froze and stared off, nodded and waited for her to leave the room, tred to keep calm and just stared off. then i called jess to fucken whisper cry everything to her, she stayed on the phone with me for awhile, i needed that...

its like murder.. we were so close, in 10 years he was finally getting...better, and happy, he was doing great in physical therapy, he had plans to help us finish the basement. and now because he got sick... we may lose him in the next few days.

of corse..how must he feel? EVERYONE is going to come up today, all blood shot and chokeing having to leave the room when we sit by him because we all think hes going to die. best thing to do in the morning eh?

pops my father...fuck grandfather, he raised me he was always there for me fuck anyone who tries to tell me otherwise.

i wish i got to share him, always have a problem with that
i have some of the bets family members in the fucken world, but no one gets to appericate them but me.


and sue just called..its fucken hysterical that we ALL sound EXACTLY THE SAME when we cry.

im just rocking with poof now slowly petting his ears to calm myself down. i didnt really right this because you care..but as a mental note too.

my loseing the only father ive known.

-edit-

its alot worse, we got in and hes heavily sedated, hes gasping jerking twitching, they said its invoulntary, he was on diaslasis. his nose looked like a beak i dont know how to describe that but hes not breathing on his own very much , so his nose was completely deflated, his body tempature was down to 94, his one hand was blue from a clot, he wasnt there, i mean he was, he would nod and laugh kinda? they said he could hear us, im just going to stick with that

his oxygen levels should have been at 100% from the machine, it was 83% when we got there pulse at 80, we were all crying, takeing turns getting scrubbed in to hold his hand and tell him how much we love him and that hell pull through

and then we met with two doctors in a conference room, telling us today is the day, they dont expect him to last much longer, he signed a living will, no machines no cpr no difib, if his dialasis clots, they will remove it. they are just gonna keep going till his heart stops.

i held his hand so tight, told him i never was able to say it , but he was my father, i was picked on but i went home feeling fine cause i always had a father to come home to

he is the best fucken man in the world, smart funny and had the best outlook on his life, he wanted this, this was his choice no matter the risk


his oxygen level was 75% when i left, they dont even give him the rest of the day

-update- (2.12.11)
today we went in to see the doctor around 11, they said it just..was over there was nothing they could do. so with a deep breath we agreed to morphine and two other drugs to keep him comfortable and to remove the breathing tube and other life support, its what he said before the transplant he wanted OFF the oxygen machine, he certinly didnt want to be on them to live.

so we were waiting for my aunt sue to come up, she was a real wreck yesterday, but we sat down in the room when they removed the dialasis machine (12:47) , witch was fine, that was to be done before the everything else to let him go, but soon his numbers started to slip, his pulse went down to 28, machines beeped, the oxygen levels went to a '?' , then the nurse's head was in the way of the machine, she touched my nans shoulder and said "thats it...hes gone" we all looked an her "but hes breathing..."

he wasnt, it was the machine to inflate his lungs, she shut it off and then it was aparent that my pop, my 'father' was gone. 12:49...

it was fucking snowing too. before we went in it started to flurrie, so my aunt lu just stared "is that fucking snow?" so its not just snow today, its fucking snow.

just how he was it was like he was still sleeping you know? like he was cocked back in his rocking chair sleeping with his mouth open.
we cried and cried holding onto him. rubbing his cheek his hair his feet. they told us to leave after 20 minutes to remove rubes cathiders and all over bells and wistles and he just looked.. werid.. he was sleeping but without his snoreing and random yelling, they all said their good byes crying and holding onto him, i just sat there, once they left and it was just my uncle , i stroked and pet his wrist where his watch used to be , that watch was there for ever, before nan and him even married. it had worn off the hair on that part of his wrist, i just pet it over and over, saying 'this isnt goodbye' over and over, i kissed his hand and left the room to cry and cry

im so numb, i feel empty but i hurt at the same time i dont know how i am right now, jess came over, good distraction and i keep talking to her, shes makeing me feel better, keeping me close to the ground. im just haveing quiet time with everyone else though.

its the small things.. never hearing his jokes again, his advice, being taught new things, getting hollard at for being 'too skinny ' and to 'wear some color!' 'you get more flys with honey than vinger', sneezing, oxygen machine... or his voice..

ill be allright..im going to cry my fucken eyes out, then ill be ok..and then in a few days its going to bite me hard